Wasatch Woman, Jan Feb 2007
I didn't learn about true love from poetry, professors, or pundits either. I learned about real love while on the job.
If you ask me, Cupid isn't as good of a shot as he should be.And, what more can we expect?Really, he's only a small cherub.The little guy has a tough job.In the first place, his feet are notsecurely on earth when he takesaim. He's actually no where nearsolid ground when he nervouslyhovers in the air above younglovers with his wings flappingbehind. Maybe that's why he's so precarious with his shot. Imaginehim flying erratically above thehorizon, drawing back his bow,and then "snap!" releasing thattaut string. And, to make it evenmore challenging, he has just onechance to get it right before thearrow whizzes by and strikes usin the heart. It's not an easy job, that's true but I still think he could do a lot better.
Relationship experts call the aftermath of Hurricane Cupid"romantic love." You spray yourpillow case with his cologne.You play back his voicemail messages over and over. And forsome crazy reason, the sound ofhis voice triggers an overdose ofdopamine in your brain. Younglove is powerful, heady, and life-altering. The poet Khalil Gabransaid it best:
Love is a magic rayemitted from the burning coreof the soul and illuminatingthe surrounding earth.
It enables us to perceive lifeas a beautiful dream between one awakeningand another.
But all that talk of love being like a "magic ray" that enables us tolook at life "as a beautiful dream" is what worries me. It reminds me too much of Cupid and his errantarrows. All the focus on magical,dreamlike love seems off target tome. I've been married for almost twenty humbling years now. To me, real love is anything butsurreal, mystical, or supernatural.It is as real and tangible as…well,my husband. I admit that when Isaid "I do" to him in 1988, I wasas naïve about the truth of love as anyone. My parents had divorcedwhile I was a child and sadlyeach of my siblings' marriagescrumbled one by one. But, I didhave my role models. There werehappy families at church I couldpeek at while seated in a pewtwo rows back. And, of course,there was TV Land. Mrs. Bradyand Mrs. Cleaver seemed prettyhappily married, though I neverdid figure out why it took solong for Alice to marry Sam thebutcher. Where was Cupid whenyou needed him?
I didn't learn about true love from poetry, professors, or punditseither. I learned about real love while on the job. I learned to listen when he needed an ear, toforgive when he made mistakes
- whether he apologized or not. I learned to ask for what I needed, to speak my mind, andto give equal weight to what myhusband thought too. I learned how essential it was to relax,rather than to react day after day.And, I learned how wonderful itis to hear "I love you" everydayof my life. But most importantly,I learned that perfect love is anything but perfectly ideal. And to me, that is the most importantlesson of all.
We were married shortly after Hurricane Cupid struck our hearts. And as responsibilities,children, and unexpected trialstumbled into our marriage, I soonfound myself confused.Where wasthe 24-hour euphoria of younglove? Did weaknesses in myself orin my spouse indicate weaknessesin our marriage? Other couple's all around us hit minor and majorturning points: infidelity, terminal disease, infertility, financial insecurity, and more. We pushedthrough it and learned that in arelationship there will be highsand lows and that is the nature of living, breathing, love. We will be disappointed, surprised,stretched, and instructed throughthe journey. We will accept eachother's warts and weaknesses, but we'll be accountable to each other for what we say or do. And,we will draw a firm line to make sure we are never physically hurt,threatened or demeaned.The poetRainer Maria Rilke is regarded asone of Germany's greatest. He once wrote:
For one human being to loveanother; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, theultimate, the last test and proof,the work for which all other work is but preparation.
As February 14th comes and goesall eyes and hearts turn to love,loving, and being loved. I hope wecan see Cupid's arrow for what it really is - an innocent beginningof what can be the most difficult and beautiful journey of a lifetime.
