One by one and three in a row, I became the mother of all boys. I bought Tinker Toys and Lincoln Logs to build their imaginations. I filled their toy shelf with GI Joes and Barbie Dolls of every ethnicity, banned all weapon-inspired toys, and read them wonderful stories every night. I also limited their TV and computer use to strictly educational programs.
One by one and three in a row, I became the mother of
all boys. I bought Tinker Toys and Lincoln Logs to build their
imaginations. I filled their toy shelf with GI Joes and Barbie Dolls
of every ethnicity, banned all weapon-inspired toys, and read them
wonderful stories every night. I also limited their TV and computer
use to strictly educational programs. I even bought a plastic
play kitchen center and scooted it into the corner of the playroom
so they'd be well rounded. I admit it. I had watched too many
episodes of the "Six Million Dollar Man" as a child and now
adopted the role of a modern scientist trying to engineer something
I'll refer to as the "uber-male" — confident, cultured and
creative. But my mad science project unraveled pretty quickly. The
boys used Tinker Toys as swords, Lincoln Logs as hammers and
banged the kitchen pots and pans together like cymbals in a drum
set. I remember trying to convince my 3-year old, Parker, that he
could be less aggressive by controlling his actions with his thoughts
first. I asked him to think real hard first before he ever decided to
bash his big brother with a book again. Parker grew real quiet in
his car seat. "Mom," He said thoughtfully. "I think I need a new
brain. This one just thinks rough and tough thoughts."
Well, the truth is, over the last 20 years, I've learned a lot
from my boys and from childhood experts that have studied the
journey from boyhood to manhood. Just for the record, my sons
aren't perfect and I'm still learning how to mother each of them.
But, at this year's Successful Mothering Convention in Salt Lake
City, I hosted a workshop on the topic. And here are some of the
thoughts I shared:
- Masculinity 101 — Did you know that boys in every culture test each other to prove common themes like masculinity, strength and stoicism? So, don't be surprised to see boys challenge others to wrestle, to stick fight or to try trampoline triple twists and double-dog dares. The experts say it's their way of passing the test of maleness. Try talking to your sons about the tests and help them keep it all in perspective.
- The Y chromosome — Simply put, women who raise boys should like them too. We want our sons to feel like we respect, enjoy and embrace their masculinity and their gender. That may mean that those of us who may have been hurt by men in our past may need to take an honest assessment of our feelings today, so that we don't pass those negative perceptions of men onto our children.
- Male bonding — We all learn from imitation. Look for opportunities to have your sons rub elbows with men you esteem and men who share your values. Scouting, church activities, sports and community service organizations are filled with positive role models for our sons.
- Boyhood balance — Though I've thrown out the pursuit of engineering uber-males, I do believe in balancing the lives of my children so that they have a variety of peers and friends from different social groups. From elementary school on, I've encouraged my boys to join both sports and music groups. They develop more than muscles and musical skills, they also develop a wide group of friends.
- Play ball and banter — I believe wholeheartedly in play. It creates a chance for us to laugh, tease, wrestle and relate to our sons. Even more importantly, it creates the perfect playing field for conversations. But there are some rules to play by and the most important one is to listen without judging. That way they won't feel that they have to hide things from you in the future. So, grab that basketball, a baseball or the Xbox controller and have some fun with your sons. You never know when it may pay off. My middle son came home from high school basketball the other day and told me that one of the players had praised his rebound. He looked at me and smiled and said, "You should have seen the look on his face when I told him I learned it from my Mom." ww
